Here's a video for friends and family not on facebook ;-)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
17 Courting for Marriage Principles from Mark Driscoll's sermon on Gen 24
I listened to the above sermon yesterday and thought it was profound enough to share the 17 principles he listed from the sermon. This is great for single people and parents who are wondering how they will guide their children towards marriage in the near future (my son is turning 11 this month!). Enjoy the notes and I hope you listen to the sermon as well...
1. Marriage is good.
-First thing in Genesis, it’s good. The man is good. The woman is good. Creation is good. The only thing that’s not good, it’s not good for the man to be alone.
2. Second thing, a Christian should never ever, ever, never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never, ever be romantically connected to a non-Christian, ever.
-If they don’t love God, how are they gonna love you? God’s a lot easier to love than you.
3. The third thing, men should seek a wife by going to where the good, Godly women are.
-She [the woman for you] doesn’t work at Hooters. She’s doing other things. She’s feeding the poor. She’s taking care of the oppressed. She’s liberating captives. She’s leading worship. She’s not at Hooters. She doesn’t need wings or the shirt. You gotta look where she is.
4. Marriage is for men not for boys.
-Isaac is 40. He’s a man. He’s got a job. He’s got a house. He’s got a place. He’s got it together. He’s not a boy. Back in Genesis, man will leave his mother and father, be his own man. Then get married. Then enjoy marital intimacy as one flesh with his wife.
5. Fifth principle, men take a wife, and women are given in marriage.
-A man needs to go get a wife. Not like a caveman, but he’s gotta take the initiative. He’s gotta initiate, and then the wife should be protected first by her dad, and she should be given.
6. Sixth thing, if the woman has a good daddy she should be courted through the daddy like this: lovely young lady, daddy, daddy’s gun and the young boy.
-Dad is all about defense; that’s what he’s about. So young boys see the attractive young gal, daddy loads the gun, plays defense. That’s what daddy does. Protect his little girl, has to be this way, why? He loves her. He wants to protect her.
7. Now, what if the gal doesn’t have a nice, good daddy who loves Jesus, loves his daughter, what happens? Well, then maybe her mommy does or somebody she trusts and has her best interest at heart.
-This happens with Ruth. Her mom and dad are gone. So Naomi is an older woman who fills in this role. If mommy’s not there, then an uncle or a grandpa or a pastor or a community group leader, some good, Godly people are brought in, why? To help oversee things, to give wise counsel.
8. Eight, a man should only pursue a woman who will make a Godly wife and mother.
-Don’t just think, “Oh, she’s hot.” So’s hell. You gotta go for more than that. Hot’s fine. We’re all fine with hot. Rebekah’s hot, great, but she’s gonna be a nice mom. If she’s gonna feed a camel, she’ll feed a kid, right? You see she’s a woman who is hardworking, industrious, nice gal, right?
9. Number nine, a man should not pursue more than one woman at a time.
-Don’t go after ten people at a time, right? I mean, and guys are notorious for this. A gal thinks she’s special. Then she realizes there’s four other gals he’s calling, taking out to tea, dinner. No, one at a time. That could be someone else’s spouse some day. You ladies too, don’t keep five guys on a hook – one at a time, somebody who loves the Lord, that’s competent and qualified to potentially be a spouse.
10. And there should be no sexual contact between the couple until the appropriate time, and then there should be a ton of it
-Ephesians says even be a hint of sexual immorality. Where’s the line? Well, I tell you what, zero; how about that? Oh, come on. How about negative ten? (Laughter) You want me to keep going? No sexual contact. No making out. No necking. No nothing. No nothing. No – why? Well, first of all, God says that the body is holy, belongs to him, and it’s sacred, and you’re not to dishonor it in that way.
11. Eleventh thing, a woman should live her life without a guarantee that she will be married.
-Start a career. Serve Jesus. Be a doctor. You know, pick a career. Do your thing. Love the Lord. Be successful, and don’t just sit there thinking, “Where’s my husband?” It might be a while. He may never show up, and you still gotta live, but when he shows up, your whole life changes, totally changes.
12. You should just live your life, ladies, and when a guy comes along you should be willing to jump track and go a whole other direction.
-For Rebekah, she’s drawing water out of a well. Next thing you know she’s on a camel going 450 miles away. That’s a change – different family, different place, different nation, whole deal.
13. The next point is that a woman’s character should be observed from a distance before a guy initiates.
-Not like a stalker, but, guys, before you jump in, see. See how she serves in church. See what her prayer life is like. See what she does on the job. See how she lives her life. Watch her.
14. The last ones, a woman can accept or decline a man’s advances at her discretion.
-So a guy initiates, “Hi, I love Jesus. I’m interested. What do you think?” And a lady can say yes or no, no. And the guy has to accept it. No one should get their heart broken, but if someone must it should be the man.
15. God is sovereign over the details of our lives through faithful people.
-You see the providence of God in this. God gives Isaac, gives this servant, the servant prays. He goes to town. God provides Rebekah at the well at just the right time. Laban does his job. Rebekah agrees, goes back to meet Isaac. God works out all the details of an individual person’s life. This is our good, sovereign God.
16. The man must choose the woman he loves, but then most importantly, he must love the woman he chooses.
-You don’t fall out of love. Love is something you commit yourself to, and if the Bible says you need to love as a command, then you love, and marriage is a covenant, commitment of love which means I will love you even when I don’t feel like it, and I will love you until my heart changes. So it’s so important going in not just being this untethered, emotional, basket case who is like the tide. Do marry the one you love, but love the one that you marry.
17. God answers prayer, doesn’t he?
-The servant prays, “Please, a good, Godly woman” – Rebekah. Pray. It’s not just about personality type. It’s not just about being in the right place at the right time. It’s about prayer and the sovereign providential God works out the affairs of our lives so that we can meet someone that we can love, that the details can be worked out. Pray.
Freebie: For those that the above just doesn’t fit in for you: Well then there is God’s GRACE! Some of you are thinking, “Oh, my gosh, it’s already too late. I mean, sex, porno, cohabitation, multiple partners, playing people, lying, not having a plan. It’s too late, Mark. I have blown it. I have made huge mistakes, these huge sins. I’m a total fool. See, that’s the beauty of the Christian faith. Jesus Christ died for all our sins, specifically junk we’re talking about.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Part VII: What a Glorious Day!
The day of our wedding really started the day before. Of course I'm talking about the wedding rehearsal and the dinner/party that follows. I remember leaving work and meeting up with everyone that evening at the church. Special friends and family from all over Southern California were showing up, but I remember being so enthralled with my beautiful bride to be. I remember sitting at the stairs to the church stage with her and not really being able to concentrate on what the coordinator was saying.
We asked our college pastor, that was doing the wedding, to wear some sort of robe and collar and I remember him having to borrow those things from somewhere within the bowels of the church. I remember bursting at the seams wanting to marry my love after a 13 month engagement and to have a big party with all of our friends and family. I just remember being so SO excited!
We went back to my parent's house for the rehearsal dinner. I remember my mom made something magical out of chicken breast, puff pastry and mushrooms and that everything had that off-white glow to it like in the Father of the Bride movies. I'm sure there were toasts made and huge belly laughs everywhere, but I don't remember those details, just how much I wanted to be married to Linda and start this journey together.
I don't remember cleaning up after the dinner or going to bed, but I remember waking up to one of those super crisp Southern California winter days. As far back as I can remember most of my Christmases and New Years were all sunny, crisp and clear. It could be raining and blowing and blistery every day before and after those two days, but come Christmas or New Years it is usually glorious! Our wedding day was just like that.
I went down to the church and got into my tux there, because I didn't want to wrinkle it in the car driving down. We took some sweet pictures like this one:
Our college pastor, Ron Frasco, gathered all the groomsmen and we prayed in the back of the church in preparation for the ceremony. Everything from there until I was standing at the altar seeing my Linda at the other end of the aisle are all a blur...and so was Linda, because I started crying uncontrollably when I saw her!
The ceremony also is quite a blur 17 years later and because all I could see, hear and focus on was my beautiful bride. Then during the ceremony Linda surprised me. She had recorded a song and they played it for me over the church sound system. Well I lost it again. With all sincerity and truthfulness Linda has THE most beautiful voice ever! I don't think she even knows how awesome a gift God has given her. Jesus used her voice to wake me up out of sin and death just 3.5 years prior and her voice was singing a love song to me now. To this day when Linda sings I am moved beyond words. That day I remember everyone also being that moved as well!
THEN those wonderful words were said, "With the power vested in me...I present to you Patrick and Linda Zalamea!" I think I was literally 2 inches taller from walking on air for the rest of the night! We signed some of the legal paper work and shot over in our limo to the reception.
Now I'm going to use the word "party" to describe the reception. I don't want you to conjure up a drunken frat party by any means, but there is really no other way to describe this night. For many reasons we chose not to serve alcohol...that did not hinder the mood whatsoever. In fact the staff commented to us how they have never seen SO many people have SO much fun completely sober. I remember a dance floor FULL of Baptists and Roman Catholics and every other persuasion! I remember being able to greet so many dear dear friends and family. In the middle of it all my radiant bride was dancing it up with the best of them.
I remember my brother, who was my best man, giving a toast and praying for the food which was excellent. His prayer you ask? I don't remember exactly, but it was something like, "Rub a dub dub thanks for the grub." The toast was very similar...I wish I were kidding ;-)
Here comes the truly disgusting part ;-) Linda and I had agreed not to shove cake into each other's faces during the cake cutting ceremony. Well here's how it really went: I cut the cake and gingerly and softly put a piece in Linda's cute little mouth. Linda also daintily picked up a pretty nice sized piece and proceeded to shove it all over my face and up my nose (not sure if the nose part is true, but I added it for affect). I was flabbergasted, annoyed and more in love with Linda than I could ever imagine! I love her so much, because she is such a beautiful mystery to me! She can be ultra serious and playful at the same time. I love that!
As much as I love her I took a piece and shoved it back in her face and it started getting on her dress. All the ladies in the room started yelling at me and giving me the stink eye for this heinous breach in wedding protocol. To which I wondered, "Why am I the one getting in trouble?"
How can I put this correctly? I remember at a certain point in the night I wanted to leave (ahem). I am very sure Linda wanted to as well, but we were having SO much fun dancing and partying with friends. At the time I was so in a hurry, but 17 years later I am so glad we had that time with each and every one of the people that came to our wedding. Most of those dear people I miss so much and the times that we shared with them. It is wonderful that we have that night all together.
Eventually we did leave, oh yeah! I will end the story by telling you our friends sent us off with a flurry of cheers and hugs and slaps on the back. We got into a rented Infinity and I had a Kenny G. CD playing. I remember the song called By the Time this Night is Over was playing. Yep...it was a glorious day that turned into an even more glorious night that has turned into and even more glorious 17 years and counting!
I love you with all my heart baby! I am looking forward to what God has for the next 17 years and beyond!
That concludes Part VII of BatB. I think I like writing these right around our Anniversary!
Monday, May 24, 2010
LOST
In the end, it is not really about me anyway. Not Lost, not life – nothing. It is God’s story; I am along for the ride. Does he care for me and want good things for me? Absolutely. Did the makers of Lost? I don’t know. But it sure was a fun ride, and in the end I was thoroughly, completely, and 100% entertained! Click here for more...What God Taught Me through LOST
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Avatar on BluRay Disc
The old saying, “A polished turd is still a turd” came to mind after watching the movie in it’s different formats. Don’t get me wrong the polish used on this turd is amazing, even on my circa 1994 27″ television on DVD. It was even more stunning on my 17″ laptop that plays BluRay discs. I can honestly imagine why people were so mesmerized by the film in the theaters. On that huge screen with the 3D glasses on it must have been…well, mind altering. That is the only reason I can come up with to explain why anyone would throw down so much money to see this film more than once and highly recommend it to friends. Read more here...Blu-Ray Avatar Pleases The Eyes, But What About The Heart?
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
I haven't been blogging or reviewing much lately. Here's one though that I really liked...
The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Are You Really So Special You Can Stand On Your Own?
God made each and every one of us with amazing talents and gifts. I also believe that many times God puts us together with an eclectic group of people so that together we can accomplish much, including appreciating those differences and gifts.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Silence and Solitude
As I celebrate my birthday, Christmas with my family, and the New Year looming ahead I reflect back on 2009. What I would love to say each year, at around this time, is that I am closer more intimate with God and my Family. I have mixed feelings about my efforts in that regard. Especially after reading this wonderful series on Silence and Solitude by Mark Driscoll. I was super convicted after reading it that I have allowed so many things to crowd my life. I am in the process of repentance now.
Here's the series in case you are interested.
Part 1: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/12/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-1-of-5/
Part 2: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/16/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-2-of-5/
Part 3: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/18/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-3-of-5/
Part 4: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/24/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-4-of-5/
Part 5: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/26/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-5-of-5/
Part 1: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/12/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-1-of-5/
Part 2: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/16/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-2-of-5/
Part 3: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/18/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-3-of-5/
Part 4: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/24/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-4-of-5/
Part 5: http://blog.marshillchurch.org/2009/11/26/organizing-a-silence-and-solitude-day-part-5-of-5/
Merry Christmas and my next year bring you and me closer and more intimate with God and our Families! God bless!
JE III: We're Certifiable!
This is Journal Entry 3 in the series Adoption: The Wild Goose Chase. You can find the other entries in the left hand menu bar.
As you can see, I haven't written anything in almost a year. Here's a recap:
February - May 2009: Pulled Josh out of school to do Home Study through our local school district. This pretty much put all Fost/Adopt stuff on hold for us.
Summer 2009: We were recovering from homeschooling Josh (this is a whole 'nother story), trust us we needed it.
Fall 2009: We got back on the ball and started doing stuff for Fost/Adopt, much to the delight of our recruiter. We thought we had everything in by November, but found out we had one more thing to do and it involved the DMV...so yeah needless to say we weren't too enthused by that.
A couple of weeks ago: I finally went in to the DMV, which is down the street from FCNI, got what we needed and dropped that off.
December 22, 2009: See above.
We are super happy, excited, scared to see what God has in store for us (mostly excited).
Short and sweet. Next up, meeting with the Placement Supervisor to discuss placement scenarios. We expect to meet with her around the first week of January.
Monday, October 26, 2009
U2 Global Live Broadcast
I can’t believe I am old enough to say something like this, but here goes: I saw U2 in concert 22 years ago at the LA Coliseum and last night I saw them again in concert, but on YouTube. Back in 1987 there was no Internet there was no other choice than to buy tickets and go to the Coliseum to see the band… not that I would have made any other choice. Last night I sat there watching Bono, The Edge, Adam, and Larry clear as day on my computer monitor and I couldn’t help but think, “Wow technology is changing everything.”Where Does YOUR Time and Money Go?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Seven Pounds
How inappropriate it would be to shun each other rather than embrace, to look at each other with disdain instead of eyes full of understanding and love. We ought to want to meet together, imperfect as we are but sharing one thing in common. Click here for full article.Let's Live a Life of Gratefulness
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Defiance
I often wonder why so many movies like Defiance and Valkyrie about the Nazi regime and those who would stand up against it are coming out. Is it a history lesson for those of us that did not live through that time? Click here for more.Is It Harbinger of Things To Come?
Monday, May 25, 2009
Part VI: Fast Forward (100th Post)
This is the sixth part of Beauty and the Beast (BatB): The Linda and Patrick Story and a special tribute for my 100th blogpost (finally). On the main blog, there is a list of all the chapters if you need to get caught up.
I thought I would fast forward a bit (2.5 years or so) to our engagement. Our courtship was a great season for God to grow us into two people who were ready to be married. I reserve the right to go back and capture some of that, but in this episode I'll chronicle the period of time surrounding our engagement.
It was fall 1992, Linda and I had a few conversations at that point and the general consensus was that we should get engaged even though the wedding wouldn't be until late 1993 or early 1994. Linda was almost done with her bachelors and would only have her credential (late 1993) and student teaching (early 1994) to go.
We started shopping for rings and we found out together what Linda wanted. This is one of the first doses of reality for us as a starry eyed young couple. See we just thought all of this stuff was just supposed to happen. Rings, wedding plans, apartments, furniture would all just fall out of the sky. Ring shopping was so...practical, unlike it is portrayed in Hollywood. That isn't a bad thing, because I think we kept it romantic and fun, just a bit of a wake up call that life isn't a Hollywood scripted movie.
Asking for her hand
Anyways, we had some great ideas on what Linda wanted after some shopping and investigating cut, clarity, and color as well as settings. But I still had to "ask for her hand." At this point I already knew Dean and Sandy Durand so well, but I knew this was a rite of passage that should not be skipped. So I called them up and set up a time to come over and have "the talk."
Now you have to imagine this...Dean (aka Mr. Durand) is an intimidating figure. He is over 6 ft. tall and a tough as nails 32 year veteran of the Glendale Police Dept. He rides Harleys, owns guns, and loves his daughter to no end. At the time, I looked kinda like a Filipino gang banger when I wasn't at work, where I wore suits. I could not have imagined anyone with Mr. Durand's resume to even allow anyone like me to date his daughter, much less marry her.
My imagination went wild...this was before Gran Torino, but I felt a lot like Thao coming to meet Clint Eastwood's character in that movie.
You can probably imagine what was running through my mind...pictures of Dean cleaning his guns and them going off by "accident." But in fact, that was very much not the case and never has been or ever will be.
The Durands welcomed me into the family. I distinctly remembered Dean reaching out his hand to me and saying, "Welcome to our family son." Talk about being moved! It was all I could do to not cry right there in front of him...
Buying the ring
Then Dean gave me some great news, he had a contact in the diamond industry in downtown Los Angeles. He took Linda and I there soon after that meeting.
Imagine driving through the worst parts of downtown L.A. and then parking your car there and walking in to a dirty decrepit building. Now imagine the fact that hundreds of millions of dollars of diamonds are kept right in that very building, in office suites for diamond brokers...weird.
We went to the office of Dean's friend. The door was more like a bank vault door with a gigantic state of the art peep-hole. His friend let us in and behind him was an identical vault door, which he had to unlock with a combo and I think a key to open...just in case he was held up I guess. He shut both doors behind us, which was a bit un-nerving, but Dean and this guy seemed to know each other really well.
He proceeded to show us many many diamonds after we told him the shape, cut, color, and clarity we were looking for. Everything, pouches and display boards was covered in black velvet. We found the one we wanted an absolutely brilliant marquis shaped stone. We weren't really thinking we'd buy the setting there too, but he was showing us what it would look like on some settings and BAM there it was, the perfect setting too!
He wrote some prices on a piece of paper and shoved them my way. I looked at them in disbelief and shoved them back nodding my head. I'm pretty sure I would have had to pay at least double that in a store. He told us when the ring would be ready and he let us out the two vault doors and back into the harsh reality of downtown L.A.
Popping the question
Now Linda knew I had the ring ordered and ready to pick up. So that took the surprise out of proposing to her...or at least she thought. Here's how it went down.
One day I called her up and asked, "Hey do you have such and such a day open?" I don't remember the exact date, but December 5th sounds about right. She asked me what for and I told her a carriage ride and picnic in the park. She was thrilled and said yes, all the while she is thinking, "Oh predictable old Patrick, how cute that's how he's going to propose." Little did she know!
It was a beautiful day out in Burbank, CA. There is a great park where you can ride horses and such. The company that I had used did the whole shooting match; a horse drawn carriage ride through the streets and through the park with a gourmet picnic all set up and a carriage ride back. Later I learned that Linda had told her parents I was going to propose that day.
The carriage ride was everything we expected...I highly recomend it. Then we sat down and had the greatest picnic lunch you can imagine with Martinelli's and cold something or other soup, all on china no less. I gave her my jacket because it was quite brisk and I had something in there, not on purpose, that was the size and shape of a ring box and she got excited. I had something prepared. I read to her how I loved her in the five biblical words for love.
We finished the wonderful meal and went back to the carriage. At this point, Linda's mind is reeling, "When will he propose? In the car, at my parents, when?" I think she got worried. We got back to her parents house and they were waiting with humungous smiles on their faces looking at her ring finger. Linda was shaking her head and then they had huge looks of disbelief. I was only half smiling inside...and I left them like that.
I found out later that Linda was deliciously frustrated. She was a bit upset for being duped, but glad to know I wasn't THAT predictable. She had no idea when, where, how, what, etc I would propose. Every day was like amazing torture!
Two weeks later, I think it was December 19th, I surprised her. We were having our annual college group Christmas party. ALL of our closest friends were there and most of them were in on the dealio.
We had a tradition of showing slideshows (on one of those old slideshow thingys where you put picture slides into it and it carousels them around). At the end, I came up and said, "I have a story to tell about a couple. We'll call the guy; Pat and the gal; hmmm Linda." The jig was up and Linda knew what was coming...we both started crying and so did everyone in the house. I told our story through slides and concluded by kneeling next to her and asking her to marry me. Luckily she said yes!
I am not kidding when I say a) all of our closest friends were there and b) there wasn't a dry eye in the house. I'm talking tough guys were sobbing uncontrollably. It was a magical moment, one that we'll never forget! I wish I could share it with you in a video, but even though we had three, count them (3), cameras going not one captured the moment. Trust me when I say it was absolutely amazing!
I think Mary, Jesus' earthly mother, had it right when she "treasured these things in her heart." I think God wanted me, maybe us, to do the same thing and that's why those cameras didn't work. I don't know, but I do treasure that time in my heart and will forever. Times are so precious...I don't know that we've ever had such a large tight knit group as that or ever will again. I am so thankful that God gave us that time, that season in our lives. I will always treasure it and all the times I get to share with my bride!
Thus ended our 2.5 year courtship period and began our 13 month engagement. We would be married January 8, 1994. We have enjoyed, so far 15 years of marriage and almost 20 years of knowing and dating each other. I am honestly more in love with Linda now and grow more and more in love with her every day.
I love you my beautiful bride and soulmate...thanks for sticking with me for so long, even through that fake proposal. To many many more years ahead!
That concludes Part VI of BatB. As usual keep the comments flowing. I hope writing the next part doesn't take another seven months...wow!
Valkyrie
Jesus came to release prisoners and heal the broken-hearted. The amazing thing is that he allows us to serve him in that great calling. For some reason, though, there are very few who will commit their lives to him, in the service of others. Click here for more.ValkyrieThe Choice is Yours, My Friend
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Journal Entry 3: Relationship Enhancement Training (RET)
This is Journal Entry 3 in the series Adoption: The Wild Goose Chase. You can find the other entries in the left hand menu bar.
We had our first class; Relationship Enhancement Training (RET) on Saturday, Mar 21st. Well technically it was our second, but we don't really count Water Safety as we basically got certified to know things like: swimming and ringing bells in church steeples in a lightening storm are bad...real bad.
But I digress, so we woke up early on Saturday morning quickly got ready and headed out the door with Team Adopt all lined up and ready to go. Right on time Mary R. picked up Josh from our house to take him to their house for the morning shift (even though they had a birthday party to prepare for!) Then off to SLOtown to drop off Jason, who would hang out with Christa S. and her son Brock for the morning.
We hung a huge u-turn south to Santa Maria (yeah we know that was backtracking, but we were just thankful to get the babysitting!) We were a bit late, which is unusual for us [sarcasm], only to find the class was all en espanol! Yeah...
So I dusted off 4 years of Spanish and Linda dusted off 3 (taken 20 years ago) and we tried to follow along. Fortunately, Anne Ward who normally teaches the class in English was there to save the day for us. At first we tried to stick with the class, but basically we ended up in the corner getting a private class, which was way cool!
So what is RET? Good question, one that I did not know the answer to, even though I worked at the agency we will be doing Fost/Adopt with, for almost 4 years! Honestly, I thought it was all about Oprahesque touchy feely mumbo jumbo, but I was so wrong!
RET is all about communication that leads to better relationships. This training has helped us with the kids we already have! One of the things they taught us, is to take more of a consultant approach with our kids. Teaching vs. Punishing.
I know that sounds mamby pamby to many of you reading this, because spare the rod spoil the child and all that. And before taking this class I would have been right there with you, but it really comes down to a saying that I've heard quite a bit since being a parent, "Rules without Relationship equals Rebellion."
There I was in the middle of class, overly convicted that I am that father. You know the one, with overly harsh words that belittle and crush the spirit of their sons and daughters. Words that estrange rather than bring closer. I have very little doubt that the way I have been communicating to my sons, especially Joshua our oldest, would likely lead to the rebellion the saying above describes.
So what's the big deal about RET? How does it work? (BTW this is just one aspect of RET, one tool so to speak.) Well let's take a common occurance here at Casa Zalamea: dirty clothes left all over the house (quite literally...even outside).
Pre-RET class
Me: Son, stop whatever you are doing right now and pick up your dang clothes! (I over exaggerate only a little.)
Me: Son, stop whatever you are doing right now and pick up your dang clothes! (I over exaggerate only a little.)
Son: Uuuuugggggghhhhh!
Me: What did you say to me?
Son: Nothing...
Me: Yes dad? [Like I'm talking to a parrot!]
Son: Yes dad...[he grumbles]
Followed by a 5-30min lecture on why he should be picking up his clothes right when he takes them off, how much clothes cost, how much time Linda takes to wash our clothes and how thankful he should be that she does, and would he want to wash his own clothes? [You get the picture.]
Son: No dad...can I play now?
Post-RET class
Me: I get upset when you leave clothes all over the house, because it leads to more clean up work for your mom and I at night when we are pretty tired. (Feelings, Behavior, Effect)
Son: [Contemplates this] Oh, I'm sorry.
Me: I forgive you. It seems to be a bit of a pattern, what do you think we can do about it?
Son contemplates
Me: Do you need some ideas or are you still thinking about it? [I can see the gears are turning, so I just want to make sure he doesn't need any help.]
Son: No, I know I need to pick up my clothes.
Me: Just right now or...
Son: Right now and everyday, I'll try real hard dad.
I know that seems robotic and weird, but I'm here to tell you it really works! In the first scenario I got my son to do what I wanted, but I belittled him and more importantly robbed him of the chance to really think for himself. Now that may (or may not) be fine at 3 and 8 years old, but it definitely will not fly at 13 and 18!
Even more importantly, which dad does my son want to hang out with? The pre or post RET dad? Which one would you rather hang out with and have a relationship?
I'm not perfect at this obviously, plus there is a whole 'nother class to take this coming Saturday to finish off RET, but I'm sure glad to get the training.
A big thank you to Jeff L. and the Nessies for taking Josh and Jason respectively for the afternoon. Jeff, Josh's Sunday School Teacher, even took Josh to get his whittling badge in Cub Scouts!
So all in all, Linda and I are having a blast following God on this journey. It is hard...and I'm sure about to get harder, but I feel like we are right where He wants us to be...
Until next time...
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Australia now on DVD
Though I am sure I could find statistics to show how much our culture and our nation struggles with the family unit and raising boys to become men, I think our experiences prove that this movie touches on issues that grip our society today. Click here for more...Come Out From Down Under
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Journal Entry 2: Team Adopt
This is Journal Entry 2 in the series Adoption: The Wild Goose Chase. You can find the other entries in the left hand menu bar.
So it's almost been 3 months since I originally posted that we have decided to apply to be fost/adopt parents for Family Care Network, here in SLO. Since then we've been busy with Christmas, New Years, our 15 year anniversary, and many other miscellaneous activities and decisions and...well you get the picture.
About a month ago, Linda posted a Help Wanted sign on her blog asking anyone who was reading (and local) if they would help us. See to become Fost/Adopt Parents there is a labyrinth of trainings that must be navigated, many of which are half or full day sessions. We have two sons that need to be watched, thus the Help Wanted sign.
I'm happy to say that many of our friends have stepped up to join what we affectionately call: TEAM ADOPT! Thank you ever so much: Squires, Weedons, Sweigharts (sp?), Shell Shackers, future Lists, Wytmans, and of course momma Durand! We are humbled and quite honestly overwhelmed with gratitude! There are still a couple more slots in the coming month that need to be filled. Please let us know if you would be interested and we'll send you the slot times and dates.
Please be praying for us as we continually wonder if we can actually handle this. We are so busy now with two kids, ministries to oversee, and just this week we had to pull Josh out of school as he was not progressing for various reasons there. So Linda has an extra 4 - 5 hours of work to do per day with him.
That is it...a short one this time. Next up, taking the training and actually turning in the mountain of paperwork ;)
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